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Progress

I’m doing better now than I was a year ago.

I don’t cry every day. I smile more. I don’t dwell on Corey’s murder every moment of every day.

But I have my moments. A scent might remind me of him. A television show. A pair of sunglasses behind the couch.

Finding one of his t-shirts in a drawer… I’ll bring it to my nose, and I can smell him… I’ll never wash it again.

There are other things I’ve left about the house that I’m used to. Pictures, ceramics he made in school. I have a huge black ceramic tennis shoe he made in High School proudly displayed in my dining room… it doesn’t go with the decor, but it fits in with the other memories on my shelves. These things make me smile and even laugh.

My screen savers on my computer and cell phone are both pictures of Corey. These help me to remember his face, and to keep in contact with him daily.

I am doing better than I was a year ago, but I don’t want that to mean I’ve left Corey behind.

I want him to be with me. Every step.

Just as much as Bob, Justin and Josh are with me.

But I don’t want that to mean that we have to walk along to a funeral march. I know the music will vary.

There will be days I will cry. There will be days I will smile. And days I will laugh.

Yes, I’m doing better than I was a year ago. Now I can breathe and not feel guilty for doing it.

Gwen Carver

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