My son is gone. I loved him. I still do. I will forever.
When I was younger, I wondered how to define love. Is it a feeling you have? Is it the fluttering of your heart when you see someone you care about? Are you always happy, and rarely disagree?
I wondered if it would be like the lightning bolt told of in romance novels. As I grew older, I realized that was not what I should expect.
Dictionary.com says it is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
But Love has been defined for us by God long long ago.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Feelings are not mentioned, because Love is not a feeling. Love is a practice.
You might ask then, how I can practice loving Corey now that he’s gone?
I practice loving him by being patient and kind with people he loved, and I might not have liked too well. I practice it by not dwelling only on my loss of him, but continuing a parental relationship with his brothers.
I don’t cry and want the world to come make me whole again. I know the world owes me nothing.
I continue to honor him by doing what I think he’d want me to do. To comfort others and accept them for who they were to my son. I gave up all anger and yes, I’ve forgiven the killer.
But I will not delight in Evil- I won’t let this crime go unsolved… and will rejoice in its truth when the person is brought to justice.
I am still fighting for him, I will always protect, trust, and hope this will be made right.
I will persevere. Because I am his mom. And I love him.