I’m sitting here reading the posts I wrote over the last 3 1/2 years. Some making me angry again, others bringing tears to my eyes.
I realize that I haven’t written anything personal on this page for a while. I guess I just assumed that no one really cares about how I feel.
But that’s part of grief, isn’t it? Believing you are alone in your pain. That you’ve become a burden to those around you. A dead weight wrapped around their neck…
And on the other side of grief, there are people that quit telling you about their problems because they think your pain is all you can deal with. I can’t tell you how many times a friend or loved one has said, “You have enough on your mind… I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.”
The problem is twofold. Let me start with the second issue: Not wanting to burden me with your problems… I’m still ME. If I have loved you in my life, then YOU still fill that special part in my heart. It has not been replaced with grief! Grief does not push out all other love and empathy for others. If anything, it increases it, because you become aware of the frailty of life.
I love you. Please don’t walk on eggshells around me.
The second portion of the problem: feeling as if I am a burden or alone in my grief.
Over time, the murder of your loved one is no longer in the headlines. The police call the case cold. And when you call or email, they don’t know what to say… because they feel like they’ve failed in their quest to solve his murder. Besides, there are other crimes they need to solve.
So what was once a pillar of support becomes a black hole of emptiness.
If you write about your loved one, then some see that as needing pity. However, writing about it myself is the only way to keep my son’s name out there. If I did not say Corey’s name at least once a day… I would be failing him.
I am his mother. I didn’t stop being his mom the day he died. I will stop being his mom the day I die.
I fight for each of my children. I don’t write about this on here, because I don’t feel the need for a million eyes on my children’s lives. But I DO need eyes on Corey’s murder.
So my requests are plain and simple.
1. Don’t treat me like I’ve forgotten everything but Corey.
2. Don’t believe that I will give up on Corey… no matter who else has.
I will continue to write here, and on my blog. Because I can. I guess you could say I am working as my own reporter. All of my headlines will be about Corey.
Because there is STILL some homicidal person walking free! To me that will never be yesterday’s news!!