I’m Growing Weary
I haven’t been writing much lately. I think it’s because I’ve been shouldering such a weight for three and a half years.
It’s kind of like sitting on your foot for 3 1/2 years, then trying to walk. My body feels like that… numb, and confused.
When you go from being a normal mom to a woman on a mission, then abruptly that mission comes to an end, it’s confusing. Especially now that the mission is changing again. Now instead of looking for Corey’s killer, we are focusing on getting this person convicted!
But it’s not like I can put up posters, or hand out flyers. I can’t send emails or post cards to people begging for someone to come forward. Now I wait and rest in the hands of the IPD’s investigation. Lord HELP me! I am not good waiting for someone else. I’m a doer.
So I think instead. I think about all the ways the trial can go… right and wrong. I think about how frustrated I am that I knew who killed Corey the NIGHT he was attacked; yet I had to wait 3.5 years for an arrest! And I’m even more frustrated that he’s claiming self defense!
I’m finally sleeping at night. It’s not as much as I need, but it’s more than I’d been getting. By this, I mean I was sleeping 1-3 hours at a time. Now I sleep 3-5 hours at a time. Most nights I fall asleep while listening to the television droning on. Jimmy Fallon, Twilight Zone, and Alfred Hitchcock… maybe a movie.
I do this thing that really bothers Bob. I start watching a movie or TV show, then fall asleep. But then I wake up a short while later, and rewind it to the part I remember seeing last. This can happen anywhere up to 4 times during a movie. So poor Bob watches the movie/show usually 4 times. But, God love him, he never complains.
So I’m digging my heels into other things. I’ve just accepted a job that will allow me to work from home during some evenings. I’ve begun organizing the book about Corey and this whole ordeal. And we are working on a Homicide Survivor’s Workshop (hopefully starting in July).
But still, I feel like I’ve been sitting under a dead weight for 3.5 years.
My ears are ringing and my head hurts.
I don’t know what I expected to happen, but I don’t think this is it.
It’s like a justice Purgatory of sorts.
Stuck between the hunt and the verdict.
I’m tired now.
It’s time to go watch some Twilight Zone and get some sleep.