A Place of My Own
Today was Mother’s Day. I had a quiet but pleasant day filled with my sons making me breakfast and Bob making me dinner. In the meantime, the boys put together my new desk and chair… along with some embellishments to make it feel like “home”.
You see, I’ve just accepted a part time job working from home. I’ll be on the phone most of the time, but it will keep me away from having to work in an office full of people. I guess I just don’t play well with others anymore. But I digress.
I needed a place where I could have privacy for my phone calls, and could set up my computer and a phone.
I know, I know. If you’ve ever been to my home, or read this blog for long, you know I already have an office. But you have to understand that room is no longer mine.
The last time I saw Corey walk was in that room.
He stumbled out of the bathroom (it’s in the master bedroom), and eventually fell into my arms and died. I could go into more detail, but with the court case pending, this is all you really need to know.
That room… that used to serve as my bedroom, then the boys room, then my office… is no longer mine. It’s where that memory lives.
The desk, printer, shelves, etc. all go unused. Like grave markers, they only exist to remind me of my son’s murder.
The drawers are still full of teaching materials from where I was working. Post-it notes are still reminding me of things left undone.
I use the bathroom occasionally, but only when it’s an emergency. Otherwise, the path to this necessity is lined with boxes of family photographs and vigil candles, protest signs, t-shirts, and other fundraising inventory.
So, when I accepted this job, we debated where I should set up “shop”. Where I would be the most comfortable, and out of the way. There was talk of putting me in the living room (since most of the time we are all in our own rooms). And yes, we debated moving me back into the office. But those options were not really options after all.
So, we settled on putting me in the dining room. It’s really only used once a day (dinner time), and is far enough out of the way I won’t bother anyone that wants to use the living room.
I have to admit I felt guilty when Bob bought me a new desk. The desk from in the office would be too big for the dining room. And I needed a new chair since Justin claimed my abandoned one long ago. I feel like there is all this great equipment in my office, and I’m not using it… but I understand this is part of the guilt you feel because you’ve lost someone.
Or maybe I’m feeling this way because he was breathing when I came into the room, but quit when I got there? Could it be that almost 4 years later, I still wish I could have saved him? That I could somehow heal his wounds just by telling him it was OK… like when he was a child and fell on his knee.
Today was Mother’s Day. And Corey’s brothers treated me like a queen. So did Bob. The boys put my desk and chair together on their own. I have to say I’m pretty impressed. They even got me a plastic plant (because I kill real ones), and a basket.
Sometimes it’s OK to leave your worst nightmare locked away in the back room.
It’s even better when your family helps you move forward by understanding this, and making you a new place for new endeavors.
Mother’s Day 2017 is my 4th without Corey. But I know he’d approve of the way we spent our day.